Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
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I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad