I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
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People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Who did it better?
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.