guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
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Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.