Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
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Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself