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When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
TRAIN’S HERE
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
A completely valid reaction tbh
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience