Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
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Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND