Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
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In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I am yelling
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating