Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
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Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
that wasn’t the question
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name