Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
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THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.