With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
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me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
scenes of unspeakable carnage
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.