If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
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“How’s your day going?”
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then