Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
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Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.