3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
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If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.