When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
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Legend 🤣🤣
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.