I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.