People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
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Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
step 6: release the wall snake
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Best table by far
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.