Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
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“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.