Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
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Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.