me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
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If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.