Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
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I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
#Caturday
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
yeah no that’s fair
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work