Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
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Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy