According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
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Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.