Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
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bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
im all 3
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect