The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
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Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.