How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
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“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
this is the greatest thing ever
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.