I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
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How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.