If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
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“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
waiting for halloween be like:
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.