Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
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It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Ha
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators