Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
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Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.