Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
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Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Mad Max: Furry Road
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”