right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
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inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
put ‘er there pardner!
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna