If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
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Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Every time my phone rings
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.