I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
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When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.