I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
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At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Otters drive ottermobiles.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank