I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
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You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics