In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
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Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
So the ex texted me
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
jesus, what did this guy do
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
This makes total sense…
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?