[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
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On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
A leaf blower, but for people.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
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Me: Same
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*