My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
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Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.