the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
You Might Also Like
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I think they could have phrased this better
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.