I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
You Might Also Like
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
just pretend nothing happened
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.