Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
You Might Also Like
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Strangers have the best candy.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.