Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
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Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
What the hell happened in there??
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.