making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
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is this how new cars are made??
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
time machine? you mean a clock?
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.