I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
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I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”