“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
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C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce