[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
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*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack