Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
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Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge