“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
guys I’m going home
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
crying
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Love this one 😂🧟
I just ran a .003048K
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.