When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
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The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.