I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
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I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness