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Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now